My mum was admitted three times in a row in a short span of three months. Her last admission was in October 2021 for severe dehydration, and henceforth, she had to be on Nasogastric Tube (NGT) feeding. She was recovering from her 3rd/ 4th stroke and had difficulties swallowing (Dysphagia) and getting the nutrition that her body needed.
It has been tough on the family, having to adapt to the current needs of our mum. For example, she cannot walk, so we must learn to transfer her from the wheelchair to the bed, the commode, the sofa and back to the wheelchair again. Also, she cannot be spoon-fed and has to be on tube feeds, so we must learn to feed her with NGT. Finally, mum cannot dress, undress, and shower by herself, so we must step up in that area too.
I must say that who I am today, the beliefs and values that I hold so dearly result from how I was brought up by my parents throughout my growing up years. Even to this date, my mum, who, in her current state, still teaches me some essential life lessons, and I would love to share with all of you:
If it means that much, you will keep trying and eventually overcome your fear and succeed
When I first learned how to feed my mum using an NGT, I was scared; would I accidentally pull out the tube? How fast should I pour the milk into the tube? What if I cannot pull the plunger up to aspirate some gastric juices? What if the milk does not flow? All these worries ran through my mind, and each time I fed her, my hands would instantaneously tremble intensely.
Well, I can always say that it is alright and my mum’s caregiver and my sister can take care of mum’s feeds. However, there might also come a time when no one can do it, and I have to step up. So, as scared and anxious as I was, I took on every opportunity I could get to feed my mum, and I must say I am doing better, with fewer trembles!
The fact that we cannot turn back the clock, avoid saying to ourselves the, “We should have”, “We could have”.
When I sit down next to my mum and look at how old and frail she has become, I regret not spending as much quality time as I could have when she was healthier and lucid. But would these feelings of regret make her who she was before? You know as well as I do, and the answer is ‘no’. Instead of wasting time lamenting and saying I should have or I could have, try making the best of your time thinking of what you can do about it and then do it. Now I am spending a lot more time, not only with my mum but with my family too. I do not want to relive those regrets once again.
Take joy in the simplest!
As simple as sitting next to my mum and holding her hand, receiving simple acknowledgements from her with a slight nod or a faint ‘yes’ or ‘no’ bring me happiness. Or when she lip sings or taps to the song, ‘Let it be me’ or smiles when we sing to her, it makes my day too.
It is no longer about getting her to walk, talk or eat like she used to, but the little things that she could still do, and count those as our blessings.
It is really okay to take a break!
After work one day, I came home to mum, and I told her I was tired. She tapped on my hand reassuringly and uttered those two words, “go rest”. Quite frankly, our worlds (mostly my sister and I) started revolving around my mother, and for a while, we were not taking care of ourselves and our sanity. It was all about her and nothing else, and it should not be the way. As the Chinese saying goes, “休息是为了走更长远的路” which simply means that we need breaks so that we can walk a longer distance. If my mum can give me such a piece of advice, why should I feel guilty about taking occasional breaks? It is okay, and taking such breaks do not make you any less filial or irresponsible.
So there you have it, some of the life lessons from my mum. I am sharing with all so that we can learn to be kinder to ourselves and tackle whatever challenges that come our way.
