Posts

Posted on

The Road Most Travelled but Feared By Many

You start feeling aches and pains too often and quickly when you reach a certain age. And when you sustain an injury, it takes longer to heal. My mum once said that the insides of our bodies are like machinery, subject to wear and tear. As we age, our bodies require more maintenance, and it is sometimes a little too expensive when it gets a little too frequent. So at times like these, it makes sense to scrape the machinery from an economic point of view.

I see that resemblance when we discuss making ‘end-of-life’ decisions. Where life is concerned, it is more than just dollars and cents. Yes, it is expensive to ‘hang on with the help of a life support machine, but more than that, what would the quality of our life become?

Last year after much consideration and persuasion, our parents (especially our Papa) agreed to sign the Lasting Power of Attorney – (LPA) and the Advance Medical Directives – (AMD).

It is never an easy topic to have with your parents about the ‘end of life’ preparation and getting them to sign some legal document to commit to ending their life when the time comes. It almost seems unthinkable somehow.

From many conversations with my family and friends, I realised that not many people know about LPA and AMD, considering how crucial it is to know and have them in place.

So what are they, and why are they essential, at least for me.

Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA)

So what is LPA? It is a legal process to assign a person or persons (the Donee/s) to make decisions and act on the person’s (Donor) behalf when one loses mental capacity. The LPA covers two components; Personal Welfare and Property and Affairs. Personal Welfare includes making decisions on ‘end-of-life and resuscitation matters, whereas Property and Affairs touch on, as the name implies, properties and money matters. After all the parties have signed, the forms can be submitted to the Office of the Public Guardian (OPG) by post or hand.

Advance Medical Directives (AMD)

It is a legal document that one can sign to instruct the doctor to stop all life-sustaining treatments when death seems imminent.

You need to be 21 years of age before making all these important life decisions (both the LPA and the AMD), which form part of the advance care planning to prepare for that day when we can no longer make such decisions for ourselves anymore. After all the parties have signed, the forms can be submitted to the Registrar of Advance Medical Directive at the Ministry of Health.

It was a relatively fuss-free process for my family and me. We printed both the LPA and AMD forms, which can be easily obtained from the internet and filled these forms in the presence of an accredited medical practitioner. Because of convenience, we decided to get a certified doctor from Speedoc to come to our house to facilitate and witness the signing of the documents instead of bringing our parents to a clinic. Making your way to the clinic is cheaper because you could save on the chargeable house call fees. After all the forms had been signed, the doctor helped us submit them to the OPG and the Registrar, respectively.

As long as the professionals are accredited, you can also engage a lawyer or a psychiatrist to facilitate and witness the signing of the documents. After all the parties have signed and the forms submitted, you will receive letters from OPG/ Registrar for updates on your application status. Those letters were confusing (especially the ones from OPG) because all the Donors and Donees in my family were staying together, and the number of letters for each person involved seemed countless 🙂 What worked for me was to sort out the letters according to the addressee and in sequence according to the different stages of the application.

And there you have it, the LPA and the AMD. Again, something so important, yet not many people are aware of it.

I recalled having a serious phone conversation with the doctor about a year ago when my mum was hospitalised for a stroke. She told me about the possible health complications for mum (e.g. infections) that may result in a need for resuscitation. The doctor wanted to know the family’s decision on whether or not to proceed with the resuscitation when it is time to make that decision.

I told her what our mum had told us in many of our conversations with her, and that is, “as long as my heart can’t beat on its own, I can’t breathe on my own, let me go.” That is what my mum wants, and we shall respect that.

Imagine making that significant decision without knowing what your loved ones want. Wouldn’t you feel like you are carrying a tonne of bricks on your shoulders with that guilt of not knowing if you had made the right or wrong decision for them?

Posted on

Away from the World at The Clan

I badly needed some time out but hesitated to do a staycation at a fancy hotel called ‘The Clan’. The hotel has always been on my mind since I frequently walked past its mysterious door, a sight that you wouldn’t typically see in a hotel. So I booked my stay at The Clan on the night before I check-in. I’ve been working hard, and many things have happened, so why not?

Before checking in, I lugged my backpack, Ukelele, and laptop and had my lunch at Don Don Donki foodcourt @ The Central, Clarke Quay. I had Mazesoba ‘まぜそば’, and it was yummy! The broth-less ramen was topped with scallions, minced meat (a choice between pork and chicken), seaweed, a raw egg, and some Umami sauce.

I mixed the ramen and the ingredients and took my first bite; the Mazesoba was flavourful, and the noodles were chewy! Next, the cook instructed me to drizzle some vinegar on my noodles for a different taste experience. The noodles were strangely not as acidic as I thought when the vinegar was added; instead, it brought its flavour down by a notch. This bowl of Mazesoba cost me $13, and it comes with some pickles on the side.

What is a staycation when there is no alcohol? Haha! You guessed it! I proceeded to Donki to get a bottle of sake. The good thing about Donki is that you can get good quality stuff like sashimi and sake for affordable prices. So I got this bottle of Junmai Daiginjo for $39; cheap, considering that it is a JUNMAI DAI GINJO, the highest grade for Japanese rice wine. It was smooth on my palate, and I was happy with this purchase 🙂

I took a train to Telok Ayer Station (Downtown Line), a stop away from Clarke Quay, where the Clan is located. The check-in was smooth and fast, and the hotel staff were friendly, and stepping into the hotel lobby was like stepping into another world.

The lady at the reception asked if I wanted to start the ‘Ritual’. I gave her a blank look and asked her jokingly if I was going through some blood oaths and sworn in the secret of some secret society that’s been cleverly masked behind this pretty facade. Me and my imagination, haha! The lady chuckled and told me they were serving me their welcoming tea, brewed specially by their ‘Tea Master’ and their sweet local traditional pastry, Tau Sar Piah. I couldn’t resist when it was some pastry in question.

I looked out of the window and at the bustling streets while soaking in the aroma of the tea and savouring the sweetness of the pastry. Ah! The simple joys which I’ve been missing!

I booked the deluxe room king bed, for which I’ve paid $300+ for a night. It has all the basic amenities, and my favourite would have to be the Nespresso machine with its free capsules, the walk-in shower, and the TOTO washlet with a heated seat. The room was simply furnished with a modern business design to it. But the muted tones and the warm lighting gave the room a warm and welcoming feel.

If you are expecting some photos of the room, I don’t have any. I forgot to take them! I was so caught up in exploring the space and started leaving things here and there, and before I knew it, the room was no longer ‘Instagram’ worthy. So might as well. I shall leave it to you to check out the rooms yourself, haha!

But check out the view from my room on the 28th floor.

I showered and then practised my uke while sipping on my Junmai Daiginjo. I felt that life was good, and I should be doing this a little more often when I could to keep my insanity in check 🙂

You know how people say that time flies when you are having fun, it did! The afternoon came and gone, and it was time for dinner. I booked an appointment at the QĪN, a restaurant and bar (apparently under the wings of the Tung Lok Group). The restaurant allows for indoor and outdoor seating, and I chose the latter to enjoy the view before me.

I went for the Kurobuta Pork Rack, with some Asian Salsa, Seasonal Vegetables, Garlic Pommery Mustard Sauce on the side. Suitable for two (or more) to share, and there is one word to describe this dish; heaven. The meat was tastefully done, and while I sank my teeth into it, the juice from the beef exploded in my mouth.

I went easy on my alcohol intake because I still had half a bottle of sake waiting for me in the room.

The rest of the night was relaxed for me; I took a quick shower, practised my Ukelele while sipping the rest of my sake and retired for the day.

I woke up early the following day after an uninterrupted and a good night’s rest. Sometimes you feel that nothing in the world can make you flinch and bring you down; You feel strong, energised, and ready to tackle whatever problems come your way? That was how I felt when I woke up; amazing what a good sleep can bring you 🙂

And what is a staycation without a nice and elaborate breakfast? So I went down to the QĪN restaurant to have my QĪN BREAKFAST. There were some grilled gourmet sausages, hickory wood smoked bacon, sautéed shiitake mushroom, roasted vine tomato, hash brown, BBQ baked beans and my choice of the omelette! It also came with the traditional local toast served with kaya and butter and a fruit bowl with Osmanthus Honey, Goji Berry and Chia Seed. Knowing that life is short, and we will never know what tomorrow brings, relishing that breakfast moment was the way to go. I’ve always enjoyed holiday breakfast and count my blessings for the ability to afford them.

I went back to my room and changed into my swimwear. Yes! It was next to the pool next! The sky pool is located on the 30th floor, and the view in front was pleasing to the eyes. Looking at the skyline in front of me and taking in the cool air made me feel that no amount of obstacles would bring me down. There were no people, and I had the pool that morning. My only grouse about the sky pool was not a heated pool.

After a few laps of trying hard to lose some calories from the good food I had, it was time to head back to the room. I had some time before I checked out at 2 pm., so I did a bit of reading and practising my Ukelele.

So that basically sums up my one night staycation at The Clan. One night was good enough for me to recharge, but would I have gotten a two-night stay instead in hindsight? I guess not, but if you are someone who enjoys signing up for classes to learn, let’s say, how to make your own scent or simply want to find out more about the life of a Samsui woman, the hotel has many of such tie-ins with their partnering merchants with tours and classes that you could sign up for. And if you are a Far East insider member, watch out for promotions and discounts they offer.

So there you have it, my attempt to give you a humble review of the Clan hotel. It has been a well-rested staycation, and I needed this short break to face the unknown and unchartered road ahead.

Hmmm, so where shall I go for my next staycation?

Posted on

She has Taught Me Well Until Now

My mum was admitted three times in a row in a short span of three months. Her last admission was in October 2021 for severe dehydration, and henceforth, she had to be on Nasogastric Tube (NGT) feeding. She was recovering from her 3rd/ 4th stroke and had difficulties swallowing (Dysphagia) and getting the nutrition that her body needed.

It has been tough on the family, having to adapt to the current needs of our mum. For example, she cannot walk, so we must learn to transfer her from the wheelchair to the bed, the commode, the sofa and back to the wheelchair again. Also, she cannot be spoon-fed and has to be on tube feeds, so we must learn to feed her with NGT. Finally, mum cannot dress, undress, and shower by herself, so we must step up in that area too.

I must say that who I am today, the beliefs and values that I hold so dearly result from how I was brought up by my parents throughout my growing up years. Even to this date, my mum, who, in her current state, still teaches me some essential life lessons, and I would love to share with all of you:

If it means that much, you will keep trying and eventually overcome your fear and succeed

When I first learned how to feed my mum using an NGT, I was scared; would I accidentally pull out the tube? How fast should I pour the milk into the tube? What if I cannot pull the plunger up to aspirate some gastric juices? What if the milk does not flow? All these worries ran through my mind, and each time I fed her, my hands would instantaneously tremble intensely.

Well, I can always say that it is alright and my mum’s caregiver and my sister can take care of mum’s feeds. However, there might also come a time when no one can do it, and I have to step up. So, as scared and anxious as I was, I took on every opportunity I could get to feed my mum, and I must say I am doing better, with fewer trembles!

The fact that we cannot turn back the clock, avoid saying to ourselves the, “We should have”, “We could have”.

When I sit down next to my mum and look at how old and frail she has become, I regret not spending as much quality time as I could have when she was healthier and lucid. But would these feelings of regret make her who she was before? You know as well as I do, and the answer is ‘no’. Instead of wasting time lamenting and saying I should have or I could have, try making the best of your time thinking of what you can do about it and then do it. Now I am spending a lot more time, not only with my mum but with my family too. I do not want to relive those regrets once again.

Take joy in the simplest!

As simple as sitting next to my mum and holding her hand, receiving simple acknowledgements from her with a slight nod or a faint ‘yes’ or ‘no’ bring me happiness. Or when she lip sings or taps to the song, ‘Let it be me’ or smiles when we sing to her, it makes my day too.

It is no longer about getting her to walk, talk or eat like she used to, but the little things that she could still do, and count those as our blessings.

It is really okay to take a break!

After work one day, I came home to mum, and I told her I was tired. She tapped on my hand reassuringly and uttered those two words, “go rest”. Quite frankly, our worlds (mostly my sister and I) started revolving around my mother, and for a while, we were not taking care of ourselves and our sanity. It was all about her and nothing else, and it should not be the way. As the Chinese saying goes, “休息是为了走更长远的路” which simply means that we need breaks so that we can walk a longer distance. If my mum can give me such a piece of advice, why should I feel guilty about taking occasional breaks? It is okay, and taking such breaks do not make you any less filial or irresponsible.

So there you have it, some of the life lessons from my mum. I am sharing with all so that we can learn to be kinder to ourselves and tackle whatever challenges that come our way.

My Parents’ 47th Wedding Anniversary is on the 8th of December. Thank you to both of you for bringing me up, and becoming who I am today.

Posted on

Hard to Kick Old Bad Habits?

Today, I shall let you have a glimpse of my past daily routines. They were not exactly unhealthy, but I would not call it fantastic either. On most days, it would look something like this:

  • I start off reading a chapter/ or an article on my way to work
  • Work my butt off from 8.30 am to 6 pm
  • Attempt to read some more on my way back home; succeed sometimes but fail most times because I am dead tired and would doze off.
  • Have my dinner at mum’s
  • Back home and feeling shagged

As you can see, I am mostly dog-tired by the time I get home. The nature of my job is demanding, and it saps every ounce of energy in me. So after coming home from mum’s, I will shower and get to bed, and just when I thought I could fall right into lalaland, I start feeling awake. Of course, my natural response to my tossing and turning was to reach out for my handphone and browse social media. Not exactly the kind of lifestyle I want to lead, yeah?

I did not like how I was leading my life, and it felt like I was wasting my time away. Then, my friend C recommended the book ATOMIC HABITS to me. I read its synopsis and decided to purchase the book. It was THE book that turned my life around, literally.

What struck me was what the author said in his book:

“True behaviour change is an identity change. You might start a habit because of motivation, but the only reason you’ll stick with it is if it becomes a part of your identity” – James Clear

He goes on to say, and I quote, “Habits are how you embody your identity.” He gave an example of how we embody our identity as an organised person when we make our bed each day. This also means that the more I repeat a behaviour, the more I reinforce the identity I want to be associated with that behaviour.

And I want not only to be identified as a dedicated blogger and a great Ukelele player but someone who remains committed and finishes off what I start. I do not want to be labelled as someone who is capricious or fickle. The author recommended quite a fair bit of strategies to help people like us establish good habits. I was overwhelmed by the contents inside the book and what I needed to do to get going.

So I decided to go easy on myself and chose two strategies to start with.

The first one is what James Clear calls ‘Habit Stacking’. The key here is attaching the desired behaviour (write my blog) to a current habit (take my night supplements). So the formula is like this, “After I (current behaviour), I will (desired behaviour)”, and this is how it will look like on mine, “After I take my night supplements, I will write my blog.” In his book, James Clear shared that while deciding on a current habit, we should choose one that happens daily because habit formation becomes easier and automatic with repetitions.

To help me with the ‘Habit Stacking’. I included a ‘cue’ (I turn on the balcony lights where I do my writing and place my laptop there) so that it prompts me to go to the balcony, open my laptop and start blogging.

The second strategy that I have adopted from the ATOMIC HABITS is ‘Two-Minute Rule. I have always thought that when I start on a topic for my blog, I have to complete it on the same day, and if I do not, then I should not even start. However, James Clear talks about how it does not have to be that way. He said, and I quote, “When you start a new habit, it should take less than two minutes to do.” and “that nearly any habit can be scaled down into a two-minute version.” So, with that in mind, I crafted my two-minute version, so instead of ‘complete my blog in one sitting’, it became, ‘write a sentence on my blog topic’. The whole idea was to make my habit as easy as possible and carry it out without feeling insurmountable. Once you master the art of ritualising that ‘two-minute habit, you can slowly increase the demands and scale them towards your goal, and trust me, you will no longer feel that the habit is a chore, and it gets easier with time.

With the cues in place and an achievable behaviour, I find it easier to commit to what I have started and be that dedicated blogger and great Uke player whom friends and family identify me to be.

So give these simple strategies a shot, and dispel sayings like, ‘Old Habits Die hard’, Research has shown that once neural pathways have been formed, it is difficult to alter them and kick that old habit of yours. As much truth as there is to it, I believe that persistence will pay off.

A 2009 study by the European Journal of Social Psychology showed that, on average, it takes about 66 days to establish a new habit; I took less than that and now, I feel uncomfortable when I cannot blog.

I guess I am already off to a good start!

Posted on

Back to the Strings

I grew up listening to the music my parents love, such as ‘The Carpenters’, ‘The Beatles’, and ‘Elvis Presley’. However, I was also your typical teenager, a heartthrob fan of the ‘NKOTB’, Tommy Page and Backstreet Boys. I also appreciated musicals like ‘The Phantom of The Opera’ and orchestra arrangements like ‘Dances with Wolves by John Barry. Varied genres, you might say?

Those days, I could hear the sound of music playing quietly in the background on the radio or from my ‘walkman’ cassette player or CD (Compact Disc) player. For millennials reading this post, Cassette players and Compact Disc players are your ‘Spotify’ equivalent.

There was never a day without music in my entire life. Music is my lifeline and the only constant in my life. It is my source of comfort and sorrow, my source of strength and weakness.

I remember when my mum would send us to ‘Yamaha’ music school to play the organ and the guitar. I had better luck with the keyboard and gave up learning the strings because my fingers started forming calluses. My mum loved to hear us play the organ, and to this day, I can still vividly remember how she would smile and sing along to the tune of the organ pieces.

And so that is why I decided to get back to the strings, this time with a Ukelele, to make her smile like how she used to.

My sister had an old Ukelele sitting at the corner of her room, untouched for a while. So I took it back home, gave it a little wipe and started strumming it. As I strum along, it did not take me long to realise that I missed playing an instrument. That night, I spent two and a half hours practising simple chords and strumming to a song or two!

There you go! my first attempt at playing a complete song with a Ukelele! I am still struggling with the changing of chords but what the hack! I welcome your feedback on how to improve. Enjoy!

Posted on

The Song I Heard on My Way to Work

I was on my Spotify a few days ago, and the song, ‘She used To Be Mine’ by Sara Bareilles came on. When I heard it for the first time, the words in her lyrics struck a chord in my heart. Without hesitation, I put the song on repeat mode, and it accompanied me throughout my entire journey to work.

"It's not simple to say
Most days I don't recognize me
These shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave 'em
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention sweet center
I still remember that girl."

It is a song about an actress struggling and working as a waitress in a diner in NYC to make ends meet. She is pregnant and falls prey to the abuses by her husband. She pondered the life that she once led and lost and how she had changed and became someone she no longer relates to.

Those thoughts tormented her.

"It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew 

Who be reckless just enough
Who can hurt but
Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised
And gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck and be scared
Of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day
'Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone but it used to be mine
Used to be mine"

She was a person with big dreams, but all were broken into pieces by her decisions. She was a daredevil who took chances in life and fought for what she believed in. Now, she is filled with nothing but regrets.

This song is about change – about losing the ‘old’ you and becoming the person you see in the mirror. Most, if not everybody goes through changes; I went through changes too.

I was living the best times of my life. I was healthy, driven with passion and soared in the things I did. I travelled to places, enjoyed the company of many friends, had no cares in the world, and genuinely believed I was happy and would remain happy, or so I thought. Unfortunately, my life took a turn for the worse, and it started with that one decision I made.

The problems in my life still exist, and I break down from time to time, but the irony (of it) is that I have grown so much as a person. But know that you can only grow when you get your act together and do something about it, instead of getting sucked into the whirlpool of negativities – “Grow through what you go through.”

Those setbacks made me tougher (emotionally and mentally), more patient, disciplined, curious, and motivated to want to push myself beyond my limits. But would I get this far if my life remains in rosy hues? If I could turn back the clock, would I give up these pain, frustrations, setbacks, and heartaches for an easy ride in life? My answer is ‘no’, and I would not exchange these life lessons for anything else.

“Every failure is a gift. Every pain is an opportunity. “

Maxime Lagacé

She Used to Be Mine by Sara Bareilles. Enjoy the song.

Posted on

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough should get Going

I have been gone for too long,

Life has a way of testing a person’s will. For the past few months, there were many challenges thrown in my direction all at once.

First, it was my spinal arthritis, and thanks to it, I had to quit Muay Thai. Then after 15 years of marriage, my ‘better half’ decided that our personalities clashed and called for a divorce. Before I could fully recover from that shock, my mum fell in the shower one day and landed on her head with a huge bump. Fortunately, there was no internal bleeding, and she was discharged six days later.

And while all these were happening, I had to complete weekly assignments on a course that I was roped in to attend and helped with new roles and responsibilities while my Manager was on hospitalisation leave.

I was tired and overwhelmed. It was a challenging period, to say the least.

Somehow, I knew I would fall badly if I took the toxic route, so I was determined to get myself back on track.

‘One thing at a time, and that was it. I focus on what I need to do, and nothing else matters. So, for example, if I have to complete an assignment, I give it my 100%; if I am doing Yoga, I give my attention only to my breathing and stretching; if I am spending time with my mum, then let that be my only focus. I am sure you get the drift.

But like all solutions to problems, they are often not as straightforward. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I cannot seemed to focus. I ruminate and break down, but I pick myself up again. As cliché as it may sound, I believed it would only get better. Every time I fail, it takes me a shorter time to get back into the game.

But even if it does not, so what? As Mark Manson so brilliantly put across, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ” In his article, he wrote how all of us, whether we realised it or not, are making a choice of avoiding or engaging pain all day and every day. We can choose to engage pain by dealing with our problems head-on or avoid them and wish that our lives will always be in rosy hues. It is essential to understand that there will always be pain, disappointments, and frustrations in our lives and we can control them.

Check out his ‘5 Tenets of Negative Self Help’ article.

Mark Manson said, “The aggregation of our choices will determine the quality of our life.” So true.

As it is, life is crazy enough. If we can learn something from life’s inevitable pain, disappointments and frustrations, why let those opportunities slip by?

Embrace them.

Posted on

How to Stop Worrying and Start Breathing, Consciously

I take a deep breath in through my nose. My rib cage goes up, and my tummy tucked in. At this moment, I feel strong, like I have inhaled all the courage I need to deal with my problems. And when I exhale, it feels like I am letting go of these problems, and my mind is freed from their captivity.

At a park nearby, doing my deep breathing amidst the sounds of birds chirping and sun rays shining.
Posted on

Pearl’s Hill City Park and its History with a Paltry reason for its Name

Now that my training has been suspended, I decided to switch my focus to something less strenuous on my lower back. Walking and hiking seem doable so today, I decided to explore a less-known park – The Pearl’s Hill City Park.

Located in the heart of Chinatown, you can enter the park just behind Outram Park MRT station (EWL). But before burning any calories, may I suggest stopping by at People’s Park Food Centre for a nice and well-deserving breakfast. Back in the 1920s, there was no food centre with proper chairs and tables to comfortably eat. Instead, the popularly known ‘hawker shelters’ were set up and located at a public park near to where the current Pearl’s Hill stood.

So back to ‘Pearl’s Hill City Park’ and a little history behind its name .

James Pearl, the Captain in command of a ship belonging to Sir Stamford Raffles, the founder of modern Singapore, set his eyes on a hill when they arrived in Singapore and was determined to acquire it.

Back then, the hill was covered with ‘Gambir’ plantations owned by Chinese planters. It was mentioned that Pearl eventually bought over the whole hill and named it ‘Mount Stamford’ after Sir Stamford Raffles.

But when Raffles found out that Pearl had acquired the hill without his approval, he ordered its repossession by the British government but changed his mind soon after.

Unhappy with Raffles and his initial intention, Pearl renamed the hill after himself and called it  ‘Pearl’s Hill’ instead.  And that’s how the name ‘Pearl’s Hill City Park’ came about.

A few minutes up the hill, and you will be greeted by nature’s awesome sights, sounds and colours. I took plenty of moments just freely soaking in all that nature has to give. It was a good break from the hustle and bustle of my everyday life.

And then feast your eyes on all the colourful man-made structures below. If you are lucky, you will get to see a family of squirrels running everywhere!

The hill is about 9 hectares big, and on top of it sits a service reservoir. Unlike most reservoirs, it does not collect rainwater. Instead, it stores treated water and is supplied to nearby households. The British built this service reservoir back in the 1800s, and it is one of the oldest surviving service reservoirs today. Security is rather tight up there, with barbed wires fences, so be careful not to get caught by any of the CCTV cameras while taking snapshots. These pictures were taken as close as I can get.

The truth is, Pearl’s Hill City Park is not known to be a picturesque park with a lush and beautifully manicured garden, but it was still a delightful walk for me. I spent about two hours or more walking the park when all it takes was no more than an hour to complete it. I had no agenda or a list of ‘instagrammable’ things to see and capture. I walked to where that sound or that sight led me, climbed up and down slopes and stairs and sometimes, ended up getting lost and seeing the same things I saw a while ago. And it was fine because I got to see it from a different perspective. Like, how cool is that?!

And the same goes with life; not knowing exactly where we are and where to go ( destination) is scary because we fear getting lost. We fear the unknown and the possibility of landing ourselves in a place or a situation that we have no control over. Just the very thought of it becomes unthinkable, which is why many of us choose to get comfortable and stay where we are.

But the truth is, there is also beauty in getting lost; We learn to trust ourselves (our inner compass) to take that first step forward. And while we are at it, we may unknowingly make a wrong turn, trip and even fall but aren’t those not opportunities in life to help us grow? By staying put, we are indirectly telling ourselves that this is as far as we can go. What happens then to the notion that the sky’s the limit?

In hindsight, although it was a short walk at ‘Pearl’s Hill City Park’, I actually walked out feeling nothing short of a full-body workout (literally both the mind and body), and it helped reframe my thoughts on whatever that has happened and whatever that will come. I am glad I took this walk here at Pearl’s Hill City Park.

Posted on

Could I be suffering from Depression?

withered flower with scattered petals on white surface

I was recently diagnosed with Spinal Arthritis in my lower back and what it means is that my lumbar facet joints are inflamed, possibly due to wear and tear.

I came out of the clinic crying, not because I was worried about the impending pain or the invasive treatments that might come my way, but the chance that I might need to stop Muay Thai training for good.

Muay Thai is my lifeline.

It has kept my sanity in check from the stressors I face for the past two years. Muay Thai has form part of my identity and became the platform where I started developing my mental strength and grit.

Everything came crashing down as I walked out of the clinic, and I thought to myself, “why does shit always happen to me?”

I spiralled down the rabbit hole for a while and tried getting back out, convincing myself not to overthink; Perhaps things are not as bad as it seems; perhaps I will be back in action after a few sessions of physiotherapy, perhaps…

As if to deal with one medical challenge was not enough for me, I started getting these sharp throbbings behind my left ear and the lower jaw. The pain increased in frequency and intensity, and I got suck back into that rabbit hole once again.

I ruminate on how useless I was and how weak my body has become. That my life is filled with challenges, yet given no means of coping with the stressors that came along with them. What is life when you are always headed downhill? And if life is a torture, why live? Disturbing thoughts (aka suicidal ideation) started.

This happened a few days ago.

What was I thinking?

I thought that I am always there for people, but I had no one there for me, and nobody cared because I am unloved. I thought that I am not as beautiful and as competent as others and my achievements are nothing compared to theirs. And adding on to these thoughts, I feel that I do not even have the right to enjoy what I enjoy doing because now I have a bad spine, an unexplainable pain on one side of my face, and am a weakling. I was thinking, how is life fair?

I talked to my friend about my struggles without realising that I was so caught up with all the negativity that I had no control over it, and I started crying. He knocked me out of my senses.

I reflected on what he said, and the message that he was driving home was clear; that bad thoughts do not just appear out from nowhere; they do so only when someone wills it.

How do I get out of this rabbit hole? I have no answers, but in the interim, I could start to interject (whenever the rumination starts) by telling and asking myself this question, “I am not going this way. What is something that I can do right now that is really good for me and has nothing to with my current thoughts?”

Will this help my brain build/ create a new neural pathway? Only time will tell.

Posted on

And so Her Heart is Made of Stone

I am reading this book now and because of it, I went on a guided tour at the Fort Canning Battlebox and also had an amazing conversation with my paternal grandmother.

The author chronicled the extensive details of WWII, including the atrocities that the Japanese soldiers inflicted on Manila’s civilian population. I could almost feel what the civilians felt just by reading what the author wrote and think to myself the kind of post-trauma that the survivors of WWII had to deal with. It takes great strength and will to continue living after witnessing your loved ones being brutally murdered.

My paternal grandmother (fondly known as ‘ah ma’) was born in `1927. She was a 15-year-old teenager when Singapore was ruled under the empire of Japan. I was curious to know if the civilians in Singapore suffered the same brutalities as the civilians from the ‘Pearl of the Orient’. So I urged her to tell me stories that detail exactly what she saw and how she and her family escape death during the Japanese occupation.

It is uncanny, but when my áh ma’ told me those stories, it felt as if WWII only happened yesterday. She shared these stories with such strong emotions and at some point, I thought I saw her eyes welled up.

These conversations with my ah ma were all conversed in Cantonese. I had three recorded audios of my conversations with her, and I have uploaded one for your listening pleasure.

Ah ma shared how at 15 years old, she witnessed the Japanese slitting open the stomach of pregnant women to take the unborn child out and how they had decapitated the heads of some and placed those heads on the head of a bridge [0:00 – 0:36]. To buy anything, they have to produce their identification card [1:11], and there was no way of buying anything freely because the japs kept all the goods in a warehouse. Those with no money had to scour through the rubbish to find food. Some had no choice but to stomach rotten food and end up contracting foodborne diseases [1:25 – 1:35]. Noodles those days taste like rubber bands [1:45 – 1:55]. Japanese occupation lasted 3 years and 8 months. My grandparents got married during the Japanese ruling and my uncle was born just after the Japanese surrendered [1:55 – 2:15].

Ah ma later shared that her father-in-law had a car workshop, repairing and maintaining cars for the Japanese. He was paid a lot of money and Ah ma remembered seeing bags and bags of this Japanese invasion money, stored away in a room. She giggled as she admitted to stealing a few stacks of notes for her father.

One day, a Malayan soldier sneaked into Ah ma’s house. He was escaping from the hands of the Japanese soldiers. Ah ma’s father (my great grandfather) took pity on him and changed him out of his uniform into some ragged clothes so that he would look less suspicious. Without any delay, my great grandfather burnt the Malayan soldier’s uniform and pistol. If they were caught holding these (including the Malayan soldier) in possession, Ah ma and her whole family would have been executed. Henceforth, this Malayan soldier regarded my great grandfather as a benefactor and continued sending money to him as a token of gratefulness for saving his life.

Ah ma and her siblings refrained from stepping out of the house unnecessarily lest they be hurt or rape by the enemies. Time stood still during those 44 months of perilous living and not knowing which day on earth would be their last.

I remembered years ago, whenever my family (including Ah ma) and I watched a tear-jerker movie, we would cry, but only my Ah ma remained emotionless, and my mum would always say that her heart is made of stone. For someone who has lived through a world war and saw the worst of humankind, who could blame her for being the tough woman she is today? Perhaps the culmination of all the torture she witnessed and the hardships that she has endured has taught her that there are no obstacles too big to overcome.

And that is my Ah ma at age 94; still as strong-willed; still as feisty.

Posted on

Letting Go and What that Really Means to Me.

worm s eye view of woman holding balloons

All of us meet with setbacks at certain times in our lives and good-natured people around us would advise us to ‘let go’. A while ago, I was sharing about our challenges with mum and our decision to ‘let go’.

However, what does ‘letting go’ means? Is it all about surrendering and giving up in the face of adversity?

Quite the opposite, ‘letting go’ to me is an intentional act of being at peace with the current situation because I am confident that everything will eventually turn out fine.

The catch here is in accepting the fact that I have no control over when the situation will be fine and detaching myself from a specific outcome that I hope to achieve.

So while I feel that I have to do this or get this or achieve that, I try not to get too caught up with the outcome. Because if I do, I can only imagine going into this whole vicious downward spiral of disappointments, anger, self-doubt (and the list goes on) when my expectations are unmet.

Take courage and start learning to let go because our lives can only get better when we do. It is not going to be a walk in the park; It will be difficult, to say the least. But nothing is impossible and I am learning the art of ‘letting go’ in baby steps. So keep your chin up, persist and watch us transform into a happier and confident us.