“That was an excellent presentation!” “Did you do something to your hair? It looks incredible!” “I liked the way you did your pad work with Nong-O, you got the knack for Muay Thai!”
We have probably heard praises like these now and then, and we feel good when we receive them. It is so human to seek affirmation from others on what we do or do not. They boost our confidence and make us feel important and accepted.
Some people would even go as far as revealing more than they should (self-objectification) to garner more ‘Likes’, especially in social media platforms. I shall not dive into the science behind their motivation, but when you see someone’s boobs spilling out of her brassiere or when his muscles are ripping his tight shirt apart, I questioned their intentions. Are they seeking attention to beef up their confidence in any way?
We rely very heavily on our external environment to make us feel good about ourselves. How often do we tell ourselves that we are responsible for our well-being? We have no control over our environment and the people around us, but we do have control over ourselves, so never underestimate our ability to create for ourselves a deserving, confident and meaningful life.
The truth is that I am no guru about self – confidence, and I had to learn the hard way.
At the prime of my life, I was given opportunities to showcase my skills and knowledge and with it came the compliments.
Then the outpouring of compliments stopped (or became lesser), and what trickled in were all the self-doubting. I started doing more than I should, trying very hard to prove my very existence and capabilities. I became tired and worn out, and I was not happy. That was when I knew I was headed in the wrong direction (Thank goodness for some level of mindfulness!).
When my hard work does not translate into a result that I was hoping for, I will start asking questions like “what did I do/ what did I not do?”, “what would they think of me?” “Why did I not see this coming?” “I should have/ I should not have”
Self-doubting started creeping in, and the feeling of losing control brings my level of confidence down. To cope with that insecurity, I pushed myself even harder, and the cycle starts again.
I knew I had to do something about it and to retrain my brain was the only way to go:
Identifying the Trigger/s and stay Aware – I had to list down the things that trigger my self-doubts. In this case, it was my perception of underperforming a task. I had to pay attention to my emotions, and then distract myself with positive thoughts, which leads me to the next point.
Positive Thoughts/ Feelings – Can negative thoughts make me feel better? If no, why not positive thoughts/ feelings then?
- I practice the ‘Growth Mindset’ and tell myself that failures are part of life, and they are what makes me grow.
- I can do things to refine my skills like reading (or googling) so that I can do a better job the next time. In short, self-improvement.
- It is probably not news to you, but exercising can also trigger those positive feelings. So I have been moving my body and releasing those endorphins!
- I try to treat others with kindness especially in my daily interactions with family, friends and strangers. When I do that, the ‘feel-good’ feelings will naturally come too. It does not cost much to be nice!
Some of our brains are hardwired to make us doubt ourselves and always needing the affirmation from others to make us feel good. According to Hebb’s Law, nerve cells that fire together, wire together. So if we could repeatedly be intentional about thinking positive thoughts and doing positive things, we will begin to rewire our brains. Consequently, it will become more comfortable and natural for us to exude positivity and confidence (on our own).
I am sharing these strategies because they have helped me arrived at where I am today. I am not perfect and will never be, but one thing is for sure, I am definitely happier and a more confident woman today than yesterday!