Category: August 2020

I have been gone for too long,

Life has a way of testing a person’s will. For the past few months, there were many challenges thrown in my direction all at once.

First, it was my spinal arthritis, and thanks to it, I had to quit Muay Thai. Then after 15 years of marriage, my ‘better half’ decided that our personalities clashed and called for a divorce. Before I could fully recover from that shock, my mum fell in the shower one day and landed on her head with a huge bump. Fortunately, there was no internal bleeding, and she was discharged six days later.

And while all these were happening, I had to complete weekly assignments on a course that I was roped in to attend and helped with new roles and responsibilities while my Manager was on hospitalisation leave.

I was tired and overwhelmed. It was a challenging period, to say the least.

Somehow, I knew I would fall badly if I took the toxic route, so I was determined to get myself back on track.

‘One thing at a time, and that was it. I focus on what I need to do, and nothing else matters. So, for example, if I have to complete an assignment, I give it my 100%; if I am doing Yoga, I give my attention only to my breathing and stretching; if I am spending time with my mum, then let that be my only focus. I am sure you get the drift.

But like all solutions to problems, they are often not as straightforward. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I cannot seemed to focus. I ruminate and break down, but I pick myself up again. As cliché as it may sound, I believed it would only get better. Every time I fail, it takes me a shorter time to get back into the game.

But even if it does not, so what? As Mark Manson so brilliantly put across, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ” In his article, he wrote how all of us, whether we realised it or not, are making a choice of avoiding or engaging pain all day and every day. We can choose to engage pain by dealing with our problems head-on or avoid them and wish that our lives will always be in rosy hues. It is essential to understand that there will always be pain, disappointments, and frustrations in our lives and we can control them.

Check out his ‘5 Tenets of Negative Self Help’ article.

Mark Manson said, “The aggregation of our choices will determine the quality of our life.” So true.

As it is, life is crazy enough. If we can learn something from life’s inevitable pain, disappointments and frustrations, why let those opportunities slip by?

Embrace them.

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I take a deep breath in through my nose. My rib cage goes up, and my tummy tucked in. At this moment, I feel strong, like I have inhaled all the courage I need to deal with my problems. And when I exhale, it feels like I am letting go of these problems, and my mind is freed from their captivity.

Now that my training has been suspended, I decided to switch my focus to something less strenuous on my lower back. Walking and hiking seem doable so today, I decided to explore a less-known park – The Pearl’s Hill City Park.

Located in the heart of Chinatown, you can enter the park just behind Outram Park MRT station (EWL). But before burning any calories, may I suggest stopping by at People’s Park Food Centre for a nice and well-deserving breakfast. Back in the 1920s, there was no food centre with proper chairs and tables to comfortably eat. Instead, the popularly known ‘hawker shelters’ were set up and located at a public park near to where the current Pearl’s Hill stood.

So back to ‘Pearl’s Hill City Park’ and a little history behind its name .

James Pearl, the Captain in command of a ship belonging to Sir Stamford Raffles, the founder of modern Singapore, set his eyes on a hill when they arrived in Singapore and was determined to acquire it.

Back then, the hill was covered with ‘Gambir’ plantations owned by Chinese planters. It was mentioned that Pearl eventually bought over the whole hill and named it ‘Mount Stamford’ after Sir Stamford Raffles.

But when Raffles found out that Pearl had acquired the hill without his approval, he ordered its repossession by the British government but changed his mind soon after.

Unhappy with Raffles and his initial intention, Pearl renamed the hill after himself and called it  ‘Pearl’s Hill’ instead.  And that’s how the name ‘Pearl’s Hill City Park’ came about.

A few minutes up the hill, and you will be greeted by nature’s awesome sights, sounds and colours. I took plenty of moments just freely soaking in all that nature has to give. It was a good break from the hustle and bustle of my everyday life.

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And then feast your eyes on all the colourful man-made structures below. If you are lucky, you will get to see a family of squirrels running everywhere!

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The hill is about 9 hectares big, and on top of it sits a service reservoir. Unlike most reservoirs, it does not collect rainwater. Instead, it stores treated water and is supplied to nearby households. The British built this service reservoir back in the 1800s, and it is one of the oldest surviving service reservoirs today. Security is rather tight up there, with barbed wires fences, so be careful not to get caught by any of the CCTV cameras while taking snapshots. These pictures were taken as close as I can get.

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The truth is, Pearl’s Hill City Park is not known to be a picturesque park with a lush and beautifully manicured garden, but it was still a delightful walk for me. I spent about two hours or more walking the park when all it takes was no more than an hour to complete it. I had no agenda or a list of ‘instagrammable’ things to see and capture. I walked to where that sound or that sight led me, climbed up and down slopes and stairs and sometimes, ended up getting lost and seeing the same things I saw a while ago. And it was fine because I got to see it from a different perspective. Like, how cool is that?!

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And the same goes with life; not knowing exactly where we are and where to go ( destination) is scary because we fear getting lost. We fear the unknown and the possibility of landing ourselves in a place or a situation that we have no control over. Just the very thought of it becomes unthinkable, which is why many of us choose to get comfortable and stay where we are.

But the truth is, there is also beauty in getting lost; We learn to trust ourselves (our inner compass) to take that first step forward. And while we are at it, we may unknowingly make a wrong turn, trip and even fall but aren’t those not opportunities in life to help us grow? By staying put, we are indirectly telling ourselves that this is as far as we can go. What happens then to the notion that the sky’s the limit?

In hindsight, although it was a short walk at ‘Pearl’s Hill City Park’, I actually walked out feeling nothing short of a full-body workout (literally both the mind and body), and it helped reframe my thoughts on whatever that has happened and whatever that will come. I am glad I took this walk here at Pearl’s Hill City Park.

I am reading this book now and because of it, I went on a guided tour at the Fort Canning Battlebox and also had an amazing conversation with my paternal grandmother.

The author chronicled the extensive details of WWII, including the atrocities that the Japanese soldiers inflicted on Manila’s civilian population. I could almost feel what the civilians felt just by reading what the author wrote and think to myself the kind of post-trauma that the survivors of WWII had to deal with. It takes great strength and will to continue living after witnessing your loved ones being brutally murdered.

My paternal grandmother (fondly known as ‘ah ma’) was born in `1927. She was a 15-year-old teenager when Singapore was ruled under the empire of Japan. I was curious to know if the civilians in Singapore suffered the same brutalities as the civilians from the ‘Pearl of the Orient’. So I urged her to tell me stories that detail exactly what she saw and how she and her family escape death during the Japanese occupation.

It is uncanny, but when my áh ma’ told me those stories, it felt as if WWII only happened yesterday. She shared these stories with such strong emotions and at some point, I thought I saw her eyes welled up.

These conversations with my ah ma were all conversed in Cantonese. I had three recorded audios of my conversations with her, and I have uploaded one for your listening pleasure.

Ah ma later shared that her father-in-law had a car workshop, repairing and maintaining cars for the Japanese. He was paid a lot of money and Ah ma remembered seeing bags and bags of this Japanese invasion money, stored away in a room. She giggled as she admitted to stealing a few stacks of notes for her father.

One day, a Malayan soldier sneaked into Ah ma’s house. He was escaping from the hands of the Japanese soldiers. Ah ma’s father (my great grandfather) took pity on him and changed him out of his uniform into some ragged clothes so that he would look less suspicious. Without any delay, my great grandfather burnt the Malayan soldier’s uniform and pistol. If they were caught holding these (including the Malayan soldier) in possession, Ah ma and her whole family would have been executed. Henceforth, this Malayan soldier regarded my great grandfather as a benefactor and continued sending money to him as a token of gratefulness for saving his life.

Ah ma and her siblings refrained from stepping out of the house unnecessarily lest they be hurt or rape by the enemies. Time stood still during those 44 months of perilous living and not knowing which day on earth would be their last.

I remembered years ago, whenever my family (including Ah ma) and I watched a tear-jerker movie, we would cry, but only my Ah ma remained emotionless, and my mum would always say that her heart is made of stone. For someone who has lived through a world war and saw the worst of humankind, who could blame her for being the tough woman she is today? Perhaps the culmination of all the torture she witnessed and the hardships that she has endured has taught her that there are no obstacles too big to overcome.

And that is my Ah ma at age 94; still as strong-willed; still as feisty.

“That was an excellent presentation!” “Did you do something to your hair? It looks incredible!” “I liked the way you did your pad work with Nong-O, you got the knack for Muay Thai!”

We have probably heard praises like these now and then, and we feel good when we receive them. It is so human to seek affirmation from others on what we do or do not. They boost our confidence and make us feel important and accepted.

Some people would even go as far as revealing more than they should (self-objectification) to garner more ‘Likes’, especially in social media platforms. I shall not dive into the science behind their motivation, but when you see someone’s boobs spilling out of her brassiere or when his muscles are ripping his tight shirt apart, I questioned their intentions. Are they seeking attention to beef up their confidence in any way?

We rely very heavily on our external environment to make us feel good about ourselves. How often do we tell ourselves that we are responsible for our well-being? We have no control over our environment and the people around us, but we do have control over ourselves, so never underestimate our ability to create for ourselves a deserving, confident and meaningful life.  

The truth is that I am no guru about self – confidence, and I had to learn the hard way.

At the prime of my life, I was given opportunities to showcase my skills and knowledge and with it came the compliments.

Then the outpouring of compliments stopped (or became lesser), and what trickled in were all the self-doubting. I started doing more than I should, trying very hard to prove my very existence and capabilities. I became tired and worn out, and I was not happy. That was when I knew I was headed in the wrong direction (Thank goodness for some level of mindfulness!).

When my hard work does not translate into a result that I was hoping for, I will start asking questions like “what did I do/ what did I not do?”, “what would they think of me?” “Why did I not see this coming?” “I should have/ I should not have”

Self-doubting started creeping in, and the feeling of losing control brings my level of confidence down. To cope with that insecurity, I pushed myself even harder, and the cycle starts again.

I knew I had to do something about it and to retrain my brain was the only way to go:

Identifying the Trigger/s and stay Aware – I had to list down the things that trigger my self-doubts. In this case, it was my perception of underperforming a task. I had to pay attention to my emotions, and then distract myself with positive thoughts, which leads me to the next point.

Positive Thoughts/ Feelings – Can negative thoughts make me feel better? If no, why not positive thoughts/ feelings then?

1. I practice the ‘Growth Mindset’ and tell myself that failures are part of life, and they are what makes me grow.
2. I can do things to refine my skills like reading (or googling) so that I can do a better job the next time. In short, self-improvement.
3. It is probably not news to you, but exercising can also trigger those positive feelings. So I have been moving my body and releasing those endorphins!
4. I try to treat others with kindness especially in my daily interactions with family, friends and strangers. When I do that, the ‘feel-good’ feelings will naturally come too. It does not cost much to be nice!

Some of our brains are hardwired to make us doubt ourselves and always needing the affirmation from others to make us feel good. According to Hebb’s Law, nerve cells that fire together, wire together. So if we could repeatedly be intentional about thinking positive thoughts and doing positive things, we will begin to rewire our brains. Consequently, it will become more comfortable and natural for us to exude positivity and confidence (on our own).

I am sharing these strategies because they have helped me arrived at where I am today. I am not perfect and will never be, but one thing is for sure, I am definitely happier and a more confident woman today than yesterday!

This will be a short entry.

I wanted to say that I had lost my best friend to cancer and I am grieving.

Thoughts on every single memory I had with her for the past 38 years will make my eyes tear, and my heart tight, pain, and heavy-laden. It is like I have lost a limb; mostly, the indescribable pain followed by that numbness and the subsequent realisation that you may not function how you’ve been functioning before that loss.

I asked myself, how can I cope with it and move on with life?

I tried googling for ‘ways to cope with the death of a loved one’, and trust me when I say they have got 101 ways of doing so, but none of it actually made sense to me.

I put on a facade when I tell friends I am okay but am I really okay?

Hold it, Thea. What is the rush?

You cannot take away that pain from the loss of a great friend of 38 years with strategies from google just like that, can you? It has only been two days since her passing.

I need to acknowledge my feelings and give me some time to grieve, do I not?

Remember that losing someone you love is a personal experience. No one person can tell you what to do to cope better, and no one activity can magically take away your pain at a push of a button. What works for one may not work for others. The more you resist and try to get past that grieving stage, the longer you take to heal.

The cortège leaves tomorrow morning, so let me grieve for now.

I get excited whenever I talk about ‘Infant Mental Health’. My colleague shared an article, and in it, the authors uncovered new findings.

We have been taught that the first 1000 days of life, from the time of conception until the child turns two years old is a window of opportunity for neurodevelopment. Thus, depending on the kind of experiences that an expectant mother or baby goes through, the impact on the baby’s brain could go either way; positive or negative.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) would change the brain anatomy, alter the gene expression, affect the child’s overall developments and eventually, take a hit on their health and well-being as he or she moves across the lifespan.

Nothing new.

However, what is fascinating is that the findings in this article seemed to suggest that the absence of childhood adversities (ACEs) does not guarantee optimal child development and adult health and well-being. Instead, it is the presence of Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs) that has a more significant influence on it, even as it co-occurs with ACEs (Bethell et al., 2019).

There are several examples of PCEs, but having a ‘Secure Attachment’ between an adult and the child is by far the most important. When a child feels emotionally and physically safe, they learn to trust the adults around them; they feel safe to explore the world and know that they could fall back on them when the need arises. In short, ‘Secure attachment’ is knowing that someone has your back.

So what does all this information mean in layman’s term? Put simply; it doesn’t matter if your child is growing up in an environment that is free from adversities or not. What truly matters is that you continue to be that safe and secure figure for your child in good and in bad times and he or she will grow up, surmounting obstacles and flourish in life.

Reference: Bethell C, Jones J, Gombojav N, Linkenbach J, Sege R. Positive Childhood Experiences and Adult Mental and Relational Health in a Statewide Sample: Associations Across Adverse Childhood Experiences Levels. JAMA Pediatr. 2019;173(11):e193007. doi:10.1001/jamapediatrics.2019.3007

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2749336