I was recently diagnosed with Spinal Arthritis in my lower back and what it means is that my lumbar facet joints are inflamed, possibly due to wear and tear.
I came out of the clinic crying, not because I was worried about the impending pain or the invasive treatments that might come my way, but the chance that I might need to stop Muay Thai training for good.
Muay Thai is my lifeline.
It has kept my sanity in check from the stressors I face for the past two years. Muay Thai has form part of my identity and became the platform where I started developing my mental strength and grit.
Everything came crashing down as I walked out of the clinic, and I thought to myself, “why does shit always happen to me?”
I spiralled down the rabbit hole for a while and tried getting back out, convincing myself not to overthink; Perhaps things are not as bad as it seems; perhaps I will be back in action after a few sessions of physiotherapy, perhaps…
As if to deal with one medical challenge was not enough for me, I started getting these sharp throbbings behind my left ear and the lower jaw. The pain increased in frequency and intensity, and I got suck back into that rabbit hole once again.
I ruminate on how useless I was and how weak my body has become. That my life is filled with challenges, yet given no means of coping with the stressors that came along with them. What is life when you are always headed downhill? And if life is a torture, why live? Disturbing thoughts (aka suicidal ideation) started.
This happened a few days ago.
What was I thinking?
I thought that I am always there for people, but I had no one there for me, and nobody cared because I am unloved. I thought that I am not as beautiful and as competent as others and my achievements are nothing compared to theirs. And adding on to these thoughts, I feel that I do not even have the right to enjoy what I enjoy doing because now I have a bad spine, an unexplainable pain on one side of my face, and am a weakling. I was thinking, how is life fair?
I talked to my friend about my struggles without realising that I was so caught up with all the negativity that I had no control over it, and I started crying. He knocked me out of my senses.
I reflected on what he said, and the message that he was driving home was clear; that bad thoughts do not just appear out from nowhere; they do so only when someone wills it.
How do I get out of this rabbit hole? I have no answers, but in the interim, I could start to interject (whenever the rumination starts) by telling and asking myself this question, “I am not going this way. What is something that I can do right now that is really good for me and has nothing to with my current thoughts?”
Will this help my brain build/ create a new neural pathway? Only time will tell.